Devin’s JournalJanuary 16th 2008:
“Hey man common just take it, it’s free!”
I took a huge step back when Jimmy held the small white tablet in front of me.
“I don’t know man…I just don’t feel comfortable doing this.” I told him.
His voice lowered and became more relaxed. “Seriously Devin it’ll be one time only. Just take it enjoy the night and forget about Melissa. Trust me.”
I looked up at him and smiled, moments later I walked closer and held my arm out in front of him. The white tablet fell into my palm. I clenched my fist around it securing it from falling down. I opened my hand and examined the white tablet. The Nike sign was imprinted on the top of the pill. I then placed the tablet in my mouth and swallowed.
While laughing Jimmy struggled to say to me, “See man nothing bad happened?! No need to trip!”
“I guess you’re right. Seeing how you are now I thought I would’ve instantly turned into a complete dumbass!”
Jimmy continued laughing. “Haha asshole! Alright lets head in now we are already late.”
We reached the entrance of the club were we began to wait in line. There I saw a couple of kids from my middle school. It was nice catching up with them and sharing memories from our past. The line continued to move forward as I chatted the time away. Soon enough we were next to enter. Suddenly the bouncer stopped us before we were able to enter. He was huge in size a bald head and a goatee that complimented his wrinkly forehead.
He padded each of us down, he then nodded his head and said, “You guys are good to go.”
*We proceeded down the hall the music began to get louder and louder. The further we walked down the long hallway the louder the music got. We had reached the end of the hallway where bright blinding lights flashed into our eyes. Hundreds of people were packed in the room all dancing to the same rhythm… I have always wanted to go to a rave. All the stories my friends would tell about all the crazy things that happened to them there. Now that I was finally I began to feel really happy I did not think of Melissa the entire night. Enough about that anyways back to the story. We began to shove through the crowd of sweaty people were we made our way to our friends from school. We finally got to the center where they were. We said hi to everyone and joined their dance. Soon after things started to get weird. Devin began to dance like a complete idiot, I smiled and giggled. As I giggled my voice sounded differently. It sounded like I was speaking into a tiny microphone. I also realized that the music started to sound and feel way more intense. Dancing never felt so good, moving my body from one place to the other was euphoria. My body felt warm and my mouth was dry. The ecstasy had kicked in.
I started to notice some differences in myself. When it comes to social events like dances I usually only dance with my friends from school. This time it was different, I started talking and making friends with people I have never seen in my life. It was really weird because I am really shy when confronting new people. I ended up dancing with like 6 girls that night. As the night continued the beat kept bumping, the lights kept flashing, everyone on the floor kept dancing. I danced the night away. This was the best night I have ever had.
I arrived home at around 3 in the morning. I struggled to open the door, when I entered I noticed that my parents were waiting for me in the living room. I walked towards the stairs and pretended to not see them.
My mom then spoke “Devin where were you all night?”
My dad interrupted her “Seriously Devin you reek of cigarettes and sweat! Where were you?”
I looked back and forth at the stairs and at the worried faces on my parents. I took one last glance at my mom and dads faces and walked up the stairs blatantly not giving a shit. I stepped into my room and locked the door. After a long night I began to get ready for bed. I began to brush my teeth when my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I was thirsty as hell and desperately drank out of the sink. My mouth was all tingly when the water slithered inside it. I didn’t even know how long the effects lasted. I turned off the lights and tucked myself into bed. I stared at the blank wall in front of me when it struck me that I wasn’t even tired at all. I sat there for hours thinking about the night.*
January 17th 2008:
It took me a while to realize the sun was shinning outside. I was not able to sleep the entire night. I walked downstairs to find my parents eating breakfast next to them an empty spot with my food on the plate. I tried to avoid making eye contact with them. An awkward silence filled the room. I turned on the television and stared and my food. I then realized I wasn’t hungry either. I got up from the table and stumbled my way down to the brown fuzzy couch. It felt so good being on it. My skin rubbing on the soft fuzziness was intense, probably one of the greatest feelings ever, especially after a long night. I felt like shit that morning. I was so tired and smelt horrible. As I sat there I craved for more ecstasy. All I could think about was ecstasy and last night. It struck me how I was myself while I was on it. I thought the drug would completely fuck me up. I guess I was wrong. It’s crazy to even think I had a clear thought process that night. I began to think that maybe ecstasy isn’t that bad of a drug.
So far my day had just begun and it has been complete shit! Jimmy had invited me to his house that day so we could go to the mall. After watching a couple of hours of television I got dressed and drove over to Jimmy’s house.
Knock Knock
The door slammed right open.
“Ayy what’s up man?!”
Jimmy said with a welcoming voice.
“Nothing much man! Just tired as hell from last night! Haha.”
I said while walking into Jimmy’s house.
I explained to him what had happened to me that night before after I left their group. We went into Jimmy’s room to chill and watch television. There I saw a plastic zip lock with ecstasy inside it. There were about 6 tablets in there. Jimmy never really told me how who he got it from specifically all I know is that one of his family members sells them so he hooks Jimmy up. Instead of watching television I stared at the baggie. I craved the drug. I wasn’t addicted I just wanted to be the “enhanced” me. The me that isn’t a coward, that isn’t afraid to meet new people. Not only that but the drug helped forget about Melissa that night. Melissa was my girlfriend for 2 and a half years. It was the most serious relationship I have ever had with anyone. Things were great between us but for some reason she chose to cheat on me. I loved her…and to think someone you love could do something this horrible to you is heartbreaking.
January 21st 2008:
That day I ended up not going to the mall with Jimmy. I just wanted time to think. The whole week was uneventful, school was extremely boring this week. I ended up sleeping in three of my classes. Not only that I skipped my after school activities. That weekend Jimmy and I went to a party and ended up trying ecstasy for the second time. This pattern continued. Sometimes I even did 2. The times I would do them I would feel amazing but the whole week I went without the drug the week got worse. I didn’t care about school, I ignored my parents, I also started to become less social. All I wanted to do was think about my problems. Everyday after school I would run up the stairs and lock myself in my room to think.
April 2nd 2008:
For those who end up reading this I just wanted to let you know how it all began. I am not doing any better. I have no one here for me. I write this story alone, locked inside my room. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am not the same person I was before. I feel dead yet life continues to move forward. I desperately need help. I thought that ecstasy would make me a better person but it has turned me into the exact opposite. I despise who I am now. My parents don’t know what to do with me and none of my friends talk to me anymore. If I where to go back in time I wouldn’t have taken the ecstasy. It fucked up my life to much. Currently I am no longer doing ecstasy I have stopped for my own good. I am one-hundred percent positive that I am now depressed. I don’t think I can hang on much longer.
-Devin